By Pingting / May 19, 2026
放学路上，
我突然问娃儿：
“今年 Farmer’s Day 你还是在蓝队吗？”
娃儿立刻回答：
“是啊！”
然后开始进入一种非常认真的状态：
“如果今年再不赢的话，
就连着三年输了。”
“明年如果再输，
那就四年了。”
“不行，
你周五把手机给我，
如果再输的话，
我直接打电话给 FBI。”
……
我看他那个激动程度，
突然想起以前新闻里那些：
球队赢了以后，
有人开始砸车、
烧东西、
满街狂欢失控的画面。
我心想：
娃儿现在这个状态，
情绪浓度好像完全不输那些球迷。
于是我赶紧开始进行“友谊第一”教育：
“这个主要是关于友谊啦。”
“友谊第一，
输赢没那么重要。”
结果娃儿秒回：
“有关系！”
……
我又忍不住笑。
于是继续跟他分析：
“如果真的那么在意，
那你应该打电话给校长，
让她明年重新换队。”
“你打给 FBI 干嘛？”
结果说到 FBI，
我突然想起前两年一件特别离谱的事。
于是我问他：
“我有没有告诉过你一件事？”
“有一天，
我上课上到一半，
突然有个警察直接推门进来。”
我说我当场真的吓一跳。
因为虽然学校里偶尔会看到警察出没，
但直接推门进教室，
就很不正常。
于是我赶紧先跟警察打了个招呼。
结果下一秒，
那个警察直接拿出手机，
问我：
“你有没有见过这个人？”
……
我瞬间又吓一跳。
我心里直接：
“我那个去……”
“发生什么事了？”
“我这是在给学生上课，
还是突然开始录口供了？”
结果后面才知道：
原来是跟我同一个教室的老师，
把手机忘在洗手间了。
后来有学生捡到，
交给了警察。
而手机封面刚好是那位老师的照片。
所以警察才拿着手机找人
……
结果我故事讲完后，
娃儿明显不太捧场。
气氛突然安静了一下。
我觉得太无聊了，
于是顺手打开了车里的音乐。
结果音乐一出来，
吵得我脑袋疼。
我忍不住开始吐槽：
“这是什么音乐啊。”
“我听音乐是为了内心平静。”
“这种音乐让我越来越无法平静。”
结果旁边娃儿立刻接一句：
“是的，
你应该叫 FBI。”
我一脸疑惑：
“我叫 FBI 干嘛？”
娃儿非常认真地说：
“FBI 也有他们自己的音乐。”
然后继续一本正经胡说八道：
“FBI 说：
你要给我八百万个导弹。”
……
我顿时无语。
下一秒，
他已经开始现场自创一首歌词里带有 FBI 的歌。
一边唱，
一边乱编。
整个车里瞬间从：
“亲子聊天现场”
变成：
“FBI大型主题演唱会”。
婷妈的亲子日常 创作于 2026.05.19
原创发布： tingtingma.com
写给孩子，也写给正在成长的大人。
未经授权，请勿转载。
Tingma’s Parenting Diary 262. He Said: “If We Lose Again, I’m Calling the FBI”
On the way home from school,
I suddenly asked my son:
“So this year, are you still on the Blue Team for Farmer’s Day?”
He immediately answered:
“Yep!”
Then he entered an extremely serious mode:
“If we don’t win again this year,
that’ll be three years in a row.”
“And if we lose again next year,
that’ll make four years.”
“No.
On Friday, give me your phone.
If we lose again,
I’m calling the FBI.”
…
Seeing how emotionally invested he was,
I suddenly thought of those news scenes where:
after a team wins,
people start smashing cars,
setting things on fire,
and losing control in the streets celebrating.
I thought to myself:
My child’s emotional intensity right now
is honestly not that different from those sports fans.
So I quickly started giving my “friendship comes first” speech:
“This is mainly about friendship.”
“Friendship comes first.
Winning or losing isn’t that important.”
He instantly replied:
“It IS important!”
…
I couldn’t help laughing again.
So I kept trying to reason with him:
“If you care that much,
then you should call the principal
and ask her to switch the teams next year.”
“Why are you calling the FBI?”
And speaking of the FBI,
I suddenly remembered something completely ridiculous that happened a few years ago.
So I asked him:
“Did I ever tell you about this?”
“One day,
I was in the middle of teaching class,
and suddenly a police officer pushed open the classroom door.”
I said I was genuinely startled.
Because although you occasionally see police officers around school,
having one suddenly walk straight into your classroom
is very unusual.
So I quickly greeted the officer first.
Then the next second,
the officer pulled out a phone and asked me:
“Have you seen this person?”
…
I instantly panicked again.
Inside my head I was like:
“Oh my god…”
“What happened?”
“Am I teaching students right now,
or suddenly being interrogated?”
Later I found out:
a teacher who shared the same classroom with me
had forgotten her phone in the restroom.
A student found it
and turned it in to the police.
And the phone case happened to have the teacher’s photo on it.
So the officer was walking around looking for her.
…
After I finished telling the story,
my son clearly was not impressed.
The atmosphere suddenly went quiet for a moment.
I thought it was getting boring,
so I casually turned on the music in the car.
But as soon as the music started playing,
it gave me a headache.
I couldn’t help complaining:
“What kind of music is this?”
“I listen to music to feel peaceful inside.”
“This kind of music makes me feel even less peaceful.”
And right beside me,
my son immediately said:
“Exactly.
You should call the FBI.”
I looked confused.
“Why would I call the FBI?”
He answered very seriously:
“The FBI has their own music too.”
Then he continued making up nonsense with a completely straight face:
“The FBI says:
you need to give me eight million missiles.”
…
I was speechless.
And the next second,
he had already started improvising an FBI-themed song on the spot.
Singing,
making up random lyrics,
completely freestyle.
And just like that,
the whole car instantly transformed from:
“parent-child conversation time”
into:
“THE FBI WORLD TOUR CONCERT.”
Tingma’s Parenting Diary
Written on May 19, 2026
Originally published at: tingtingma.com
Written for my child, and for the adults who are still growing.
Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.
Originally written in Chinese by the author.
This English version was translated with the assistance of ChatGPT.