最近在想一件非常有趣的事情：如果我的儿子长大后，我会不会给他准备彩礼结婚。
我是这么想的。
我儿子从出生到十八岁的所有人生观、价值观、世界观，我会尽我所能把它往正道上拉，培养他成为一个情绪稳定、有责任感、有同理心的世界好公民。
当然了，发现他的天赋后，也会鼓励他干自己喜欢的行业，学自己喜欢的东西。
上学期间的费用，在十八岁前，我们会替他兜底。十八岁后，我们还是会尽自己所能帮他，尽量减少学生贷款。
要知道，对于年轻人来说，刚开始工作赚到的钱，对他的人生意义很大。我们也会尽量减轻他买房这类的生活负担。
他想学什么专业，想上哪所学校，自己做决定。想不想结婚，也自己说了算。主要是我们也没有“传宗接代”的执念。
但会告诉他，千千万万不要去伤害女孩子的心。
如果非要结婚，非认定一个女生不娶，那他就得凭自己的本事娶媳妇。如果女方那边有彩礼的习俗，那也得尊重。
我们对他和他的媳妇没有任何要求。要不要养育后代，也没有任何要求。不催婚，不催生。平常只要像朋友那样相处就可以了。
大家都很忙，各自有各自的生活。如果能聊到一块，就说明我们缘分深，这是干预不了的。如果聊不到一块，也不勉强。
当然了，到目前为止，我们还算能聊到一块。
我肯定也不需要他养老什么的。我自己的钱足够自己花，退休后到处旅行，也是完全够了。
这一套逻辑推断下来，发现了没有？
只要我们不对任何人有期待和要求，我们是完全可以开开心心做自己的。
现在中国式婚姻最大的问题是，老一辈对年轻一代有太多要求。
又要生孩子，又要娘家有钱；又在意娘家父母是否有退休金、是否会掏空儿媳；又怕媳妇花儿子的钱，让财产流到“外姓”那里。
又要给媳妇立家规。
打压、贬低、阴阳怪气，在生活中无处不在。控制自己儿子也就罢了，还想顺手把儿媳也控制了。
控制儿子的钱也就罢了，还觉得媳妇就该出钱养家，拿儿子的婚前财产去投资。
甚至连儿子自己都不知道，有多少钱在父母那里。
财务模糊，本身也是一种控制筹码。
总之，那戏码是一出一出的。只有年轻人想不到的，就没有他们做不出来的事。
还擅长挑拨离间媳妇和儿子的感情，教唆儿子“管好媳妇”。可以离婚再娶，再娶再离，把儿子一个大活人耍得团团转。
更像是把儿子当成手里的玩物和工具。
总结一句：
没安全感的人，心，都是可怜的。
按我的方案走的话，皆大欢喜。还能让真爱在生活中流动。
没觉得孩子欠父母什么。
父母辛苦把孩子养育大，那不是我们生的吗？难道养好不就是应该的吗？
我辛苦，我愿意啊！
我想，这就是真爱。
没觉得养孩子给自己造成了多大的负担。相反的，我应该感谢孩子。
是孩子给我带来了无穷无尽的灵感与快乐。
原来一个人的灵魂，可以这样绽放。
而见证着一个小小灵魂初长成，也是一件非常欣慰的事情。
婷妈生活小记 创作于 2026.05.09
原创发布： tingtingma.com
记录一个女人在生活里的思考、感受与真实瞬间。
写给热爱生活的人，也写给在人生中慢慢成长的我们。
未经授权，请勿转载。
Lately, I’ve been thinking about something very interesting: when my son grows up, would I prepare a bride price for his marriage?
This is how I see it.
From the day my son is born until he turns eighteen, I will do my best to guide his outlook on life, values, and worldview toward what I believe is the right path. I want to raise him to become an emotionally stable, responsible, and compassionate global citizen.
Of course, once I discover his talents, I will also encourage him to pursue the career he truly enjoys and study what he genuinely loves.
As for education expenses, before he turns eighteen, we will fully support him. Even after eighteen, we will still help as much as we can and try to reduce the burden of student loans.
You have to understand — for young people, the money they earn when they first start working carries huge meaning for their lives. We will also try our best to reduce burdens like buying a house.
What major he chooses, which school he attends — those are his decisions to make. Whether he wants to get married or not is also entirely up to him. Mainly because we ourselves have no obsession with “continuing the family bloodline.”
But there is one thing I would absolutely tell him:
Never, ever break a girl’s heart.
And if he truly wants to marry someone, if he truly believes she is the one, then he should earn his own way into marriage. If the woman’s family has a bride price tradition, then that should also be respected.
We have no expectations of him or his future wife. Whether they want children or not is completely their choice. No pressure to marry, no pressure to have kids. In daily life, being able to get along like friends is already enough.
Everyone is busy. Everyone has their own life.
If we naturally enjoy talking with each other, then it simply means we share a deep connection — and that’s not something anyone can force. And if we don’t naturally connect, then there is no need to force that either.
Thankfully, up to now, we still connect quite well.
And honestly, I don’t need him to “take care of me in old age” either. I have enough money for myself. Traveling around after retirement would already be more than enough.
And when you follow this whole line of thinking, do you notice something?
The moment we stop placing expectations and demands on other people, we become fully capable of happily being ourselves.
The biggest problem in many traditional Chinese marriages today is that the older generation places too many demands on the younger generation.
They want grandchildren.
They want the wife’s family to have money.
They worry about whether the wife’s parents have retirement savings or whether they will “drain” their daughter financially.
At the same time, they fear the wife spending the son’s money and the family wealth “flowing to outsiders.”
Then they create household rules for the daughter-in-law.
Criticism, belittling, passive-aggressive remarks — these things quietly exist everywhere in daily life. Controlling their own son is not enough; they also want to control the daughter-in-law.
Controlling the son’s money is not enough either. They also expect the wife to financially support the household while investing the son’s premarital assets.
Sometimes even the son himself does not know how much money his parents are holding for him.
Financial ambiguity itself becomes a form of control.
In short, the drama never ends. There are only things young people haven’t imagined yet — not things these families are incapable of doing.
Some are even skilled at creating conflict between husband and wife, teaching their son how to “manage his wife.” Divorce and remarriage become cycles, while the son himself gets tossed around emotionally like a puppet.
At that point, the son feels less like a human being and more like a tool or possession in their hands.
To sum it up in one sentence:
People without inner security often carry deeply wounded hearts.
But if things were done my way, everyone could win. Real love would finally have space to flow naturally through life.
I have never felt that children “owe” their parents anything.
Parents work hard to raise their children — but weren’t we the ones who chose to bring them into this world? Isn’t raising them well simply our responsibility?
Yes, it is hard work.
But I do it willingly.
And to me, that is what true love is.
I have never felt that raising a child became some unbearable burden in my life. On the contrary, I feel grateful to my child.
It is my child who has brought endless inspiration and joy into my life.
Only then did I realize:
A human soul can blossom in such beautiful ways.
And witnessing a tiny soul slowly grow into itself is also one of the most comforting and beautiful things in life.
Tingma’s Life Notes
Created on May 09, 2026
Originally published at: tingtingma.com
A collection of reflections, emotions, and real moments from a woman’s everyday life.
Written for those who love life, and for those who are still growing through it.
Unauthorized reproduction is prohibited.
Originally written in Chinese by the author.
This English version was translated with the assistance of ChatGPT.